It’s my OCD nature to obsess about things. Lately, I have been obsessing about the last few moments right before you die. I keep saying that life isn’t about reaching a goal at the end, but when I say that I meant my life isn’t about reaching a reward like Heaven at the end. My life is about living it right now. Every moment that I’m alive is what make my life meaningful.
So, I have been obsessing about the last few moments of my life. I keep wondering what happens to my soul and spirit, if I am not peaceful in those last few moments. I am always writing that I hope my last moments will be peaceful and full of love so that when I die whatever happens that peace and love in my heart will travel with me to the next place I go or it will simply stay and become part of this world: the whole ashes to ashes thing. I would hope if there’s nothing else, whatever is in my heart would become part of the world’s collective unconscious again. I’d like to believe that what I contribute is peace and love, but what if I die in an airplane crash or if I am murdered? What if my last moment on earth is filled with unimaginable pain or terror? What happens then? Does it create a spirit of terror? If there’s nothing else, does pain and fear enter the collective unconscious? Is that why there’s so much evil in the world? Because so many people have died unnaturally in such pain and fear, and it has infected us? If so, is there any way to heal humanity from such a thing?
It’s strange, but maybe it could be true. There’s pain and fear in so many people and it seems to get worse with every atrocity of humanity against humanity. I wish that I knew for certain that was the answer, but just as I am writing it. I had one of those feelings of déjà vu. I dreamed this very moment, writing that very idea and God had told me it wasn’t true. Somehow it isn’t true, I don’t know how I know. I just do.
I think I need to go back to the basics of what I know about God. He sees me all at once at every moment of my life. In a single second, He sees me at my birth, as a child, as an adult, as an old woman, and at the moment of my death. He can see me at every moment of my life all at once. I don’t know how He can, but He is timeless, and I know He can. When I die, wherever my spirit goes, it isn’t going where time exists, God isn’t going to judge me on those last few seconds; He’s going to see me based on my entire life. Even if there was a second or two of pain and terror, it could never spoil a lifetime of love and faith. I think that’s my answer.
Nothing boils down to just a second when God is timeless.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
