I have been thinking a lot of fear lately. It’s mainly because I am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. I don’t want my OCD and anxiety to limit my experience of life. I also want to try to understand what really scares me and other people so that I can use that in my horror writing.
I’m starting to realize that anxiety is about not being in the moment, at least it isn’t for me. When I find myself worrying about something, I am usually not worrying about something that is right in front of me, I am usually worrying about something in the past or anticipating something that will happen in the future. I even though about having a panic attack. It hurts and it’s really difficult, but it is made so much worse because I get scared that I am going to feel that way forever. I think I am strong enough to deal with the symptoms for a little while, but the weight of dealing with the symptoms for an extended period of time crushes me. It always has.
Even when I was studying chronic pain, I read that there were studies about the same phenomenon. A person with a broken leg who is told that it will heal in six weeks can deal with that pain much better than a person with the same broken leg who is told that they will be dealing with the pain indefinitely.
I know that I can’t live just in the moment. I have to be able to plan for the future and I can’t ignore the past. Yet at the same time, I realize that God transcends time. I may not be able to conquer all my fears and anxieties, but I could try to remember to be in the moment when I feel anxious. I can try to remember to just let myself embrace the time and place where I am for just a little while and not worry about where I am be or where I am going to.
There are times in life when people experience being “in the zone”. It’s being involved in an activity and being so immersed that the person’s entire attention is there and everything else melts away. I’ve heard athletes and other performs feel this way when they perform. I’ve heard other people feel this way when they get involved doing activity they really love. I know that certain people feel this way meditating and praying. It’s that wonderful moment of Zen.
There’s a part of me that believes that sometimes the worst parts of life lead us to the best parts of life and vice versa. I’ll never be a great athlete or singer, but something is guiding me to find those moments of Zen. To find those precious moments when I know I am totally in that moment where time and space don’t matter, and I can get a glimpse of the divine.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
