I got my second booster of the COVID 19 vaccine yesterday. Today, I have felt achy, chills, feverish, tired, and unfocused. I tried to work today, and I just couldn’t. My first thought is that if this reaction is anything like what it is like to get COVID even mildly, then I have even more compassion for my brothers and sisters in Christ who have gotten sick. The other times I got vaccinated felt bad, but this time feels worse for some reason. I’m not sure why.
The other part of this situation is about me. My husband and I got the shots together. He didn’t feel as bad as I did. I couldn’t really say specifically what was wrong, it was just a general feeling of sickness and not being able to concentrate. There was a part of me that worried that maybe I was being too weak or a baby about it. I wondered if I were to just try to be stronger, maybe I could just act like nothing was wrong and power through the bad feeling. The problem is none of those words are mine. They are my mom’s words. She would always tell me those things whenever I felt bad or sick. She claims to be strong in the face of illness and says that she made me strong, but its all an illusion.
When I look back on my life and situation with my mother, she is scared of illness and pain. She is the first one to believe that the worst is going to happen to her. She isn’t brave about facing difficult situations and when she has to face pain, she cries and acts like she can’t tolerate it. Yet, with me, at every chance, she acted like I was exactly the way she is, except I wasn’t. First, no matter what happens, I have this very strong faith that God isn’t going to let anything bad happen to me. I don’t know why, but I just know that come what may, I will be okay. Maybe it is because I know God will be with me and I know that as long as God is there, I don’t have a reason to be afraid. Maybe my mom is scared of dying because she doesn’t understand that it really doesn’t matter when life ends, all that matters is love and faith in God. If He walks with me all the days of my life, then in that last moment, I know I will feel love. I know that I can be brave facing difficult situations and it is also because of my faith in God. I know that God’s never going to give me more than I can take. I know that I can just give Him all my pain and sorrow and He will carry me until I can carry myself again. And when I face pain, sometimes I cry, but sometimes I am okay with it. It’s part of life and I have learned a really important lesson about life. When I fight, cry, and scream, then I just get tired and can’t tread water, but when I embrace the pain that life has given me and try to flow with it, then I can float with the waters of life, and it is much more bearable. I might spend the rest of my life trying to get her words out of my head, but there’s no doubt in my heart, I can take pain and sickness and I will face them with courage and bravery because I have faith that God will support me in any challenge that life presents to me.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
