Today is a difficult day for me. I got good news. Something I wrote is going to be published. It is only a very short piece, but it is the first step. The reason that today is difficult for me is my OCD. Instead of feeling happy about the good news, my mind goes the opposite direction thinking about all these excuses why it happened. It was a fluke. They made a mistake. All kinds of things that discredit the idea that maybe I am a good writer and that somebody liked what I wrote enough to publish it.
I find that I have to understand and accept that all those thoughts are just a part of living with OCD. My world isn’t going to come crashing down around me if I have confidence that I am a good writer. The most ironic part of this situation is that a few months ago I got my first rejection for a work that I submitted, and I took the rejection much better than this acceptance.
That’s because when I got rejected, all I had to do was survive. I’ve been through so much in my life and God’s shown me so much that I’ve learned to fail and keep going. I know what it is like to get lost in the dark and fall flat on my face. I know how to fall apart. God will always be there to pick me up off my knees and guide me into the darkness. The uncharted territory is succeeding at something. I have always been good at school and have gotten good grades and degrees, but to be recognized for something that is my creation scares me. I still feel like anything I do is for the glory of God and that I am still just His messenger, but if I were to be able to actually spread His message…what a miracle that would be!
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
