I’ve been thinking a lot about fear. I signed up to go to a writer’s club tomorrow night. It is something I’ve never done before and the very idea of going somewhere to meet new people scares me to my core. I know that it isn’t going to stop me from going. I promised God that I would do anything and everything I could to get better from my mental illness and part of that meant never letting fear stop me from living my life.
The problem is just thinking about it makes my hands shake, my heart race, and my mind go in a thousand directions. I know I am feeling fear. There’s even a part of me that would like to just go sit in the dark closet with my headphones, listen to music, and cry.
It’s just that this isn’t something that is going to go away. I can’t talk myself out of it. It is an unreasonable fear response. The more I try to run away from it or stop it, the worse it gets. I know that it will because of all the experience I have. So, I know that I just have to accept it. It is something that scares me. Yet there’s so much that can make it okay.
First, I know that no matter what happens, I am going to be okay. Even when I feel bad, God never gives me more than I can handle. When I fall, He is always there to help me up and hold me. Second, I was thinking tonight that the biggest fear I have is of other people. My mom tried so hard to make me fear them, and she did a good job, but in the last few years, I have gained a new perspective. There’s the light of God in each and every one of us. If I can just try to keep that in my mind when I am scared, then maybe that which frightens me then most can be seen as the light of God. I may never feel comfortable around people, but maybe when I interact with them if I can just see a little bit of His light inside, maybe that would make all the difference in the world. I don’t know if it will make a difference or not, but I am willing to try. And I can’t help wondering, if it works for me, what would happen if we all did that? To see a little light inside of each other and realize that we could really see each other instead of just passing each other, wouldn’t that be wonderful?
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
