I have been thinking about addiction and pain medication because of my migraine headaches. I have been in the ER a few times when I was given pain medication. For me, the experience was strange, but this is the first time I have ever tried to write about it. It was like having this warm sensation come over my body starting from the top of my head and going down to the tips of my toes. It wasn’t a bad feeling. It was just a warm physical sensation. Following that after five to ten seconds was a feeling of relaxation.
When I feel that relaxation, I sort of understand how someone might like that feeling, but I don’t like it. For me, it feels like I am lying down on a big fluffy mattress. When that feeling of relaxation comes over me, I feel like I am sinking further into that mattress. The more I relax the more I sink into the mattress, until it will cover me up like a coffin and I will be buried alive.
There’s something about losing a sense of myself that scares me. I was once given an overdose of a medication for my migraine medication, and it put me into a deep sleep for a few hours. During that time, I had these horrible nightmares that I was asleep and I couldn’t wake up. No matter how much I tried to wake myself, I was stuck in some weird living nightmare and couldn’t wake up. As soon as I could wake up, I forced myself to get out of bed and walk around because I didn’t want to have that dream any more.
I don’t really understand it, but if I had to guess, I think I would rather feel control than feel any pain relief from drugs. However, I also think it comes from this feeling that I don’t want to ever let anything have power in my life more than God does. When I am in pain or when life gets a little too real, drugs might help, but only God can light the way.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
