The other day my husband and I were talking about forming relationships with other people. Both of us have been loner types and we tend to form lots of acquaintances and a few close relationships, but we don’t really do causal friendships. My husband has his reasons for that, but this isn’t his story.
I also felt like I was missing something. It seemed like everyone else was given some hidden key that helped them to understand social interaction. They seemed to know how to act, and they felt comfortable. For me, the experience was completely different. For the very beginning, I felt uncomfortable and like it didn’t make any sense. Strangely enough when something doesn’t make sense to me, I won’t do it, even if I don’t fit in. I’m that one person in the stadium who doesn’t do the wave. It just doesn’t feel right. I would rather feel like I didn’t fit in than feel that sense of wrong that I get from my OCD. I am willing to do be brave and speak out. I am willing to be strong and stand up. The only problem is I need to feel comfortable in doing so.
Being the type of person who cares more about how I feel than fitting in has made it difficult for me to form bonds with other people because I don’t understand how people make friends and interact with each other. My priorities are all off and they always have been.
When I go up in an airplane, I am not afraid of heights because I am too worried about being claustrophobic. When I interact with someone, I am so worried about protecting myself that I don’t know how let my shields down enough to form a relationship. It doesn’t happen very often with me no matter how much I want it to happen.
I wish it was just one thing that I could fix, but it is really a combination of things. Part of it is my OCD and feeling like an alien all my life. Another part of it is just my personality. Then, the last part and the most difficult part is that my family essentially kept me in an emotional and mental prison, and I have PTSD from it. I don’t realize it, but when I met other people the very first thing that comes into my mind is I try to figure out how this person could being scheming to take advantage of me or hurt me. It’s because all my life I was told that I am naïve and that everyone was out to take advantage of me. I have an amazing mind for being able to think the worst of anyone I meet because I was taught to do so.
The good news for me is that there’s hope. I know that even in the worst person who commits the evilest acts the light of God exists within their heart. I have faith in that. My challenge is to retrain my brain to see that light instead of trying to figure of that person’s scheme when I meet someone new. It might take the rest of my life to get it right, but along with all the rest of God’s challenges to love my brothers and sisters in Christ, I think it is worth it.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
