Recently, I had a MRI of my cervical spine. My pain management specialist wanted to make sure there weren’t any changes in my spine around my neck that could affect my migraine headaches. I knew he wasn’t going to find anything because for the last thirty years every time I have had an MRI because of my migraines, the test has never shown anything significant.
This time was different. The doctor told me the MRI revealed a very tiny nodule on my thyroid and that I should get it checked out. My husband and I were discussing it. He said that God must be looking out for me since the doctors weren’t really looking at my thyroid in the first place. It’s a good sentiment, but it doesn’t seem true. Only ten percent of nodules on the thyroid turn out to be malignant tumors, most nodules on the thyroid turn out to be nothing at all. Given my track record, this nodule is just going to be a nodule and nothing else. So, I’m not sure if I can say that God was looking out for me somehow.
Yet, my husband’s statement made me start to contemplate my life and my general outlook on life. Who am I to say that God’s not watching and trying to guide my life? This particular instance may not seem significant to me, but in the “big picture” maybe this MRI is going to lead me down a path that will completely change my life. I don’t know and more importantly I don’t need to know.
All my life because of my OCD, I had all these superstitious ideas of how the world was going to “get me” if I acted a certain way. If I had too much attention, then something bad would befall me. If I was too happy, then something would happen to make me sad. I had all these crazy ideas that I had control over what was going to happen next, but the truth is I have no control over anything except my own behavior. And while God may be watching me, He gave us free will, anything could happen at any time. I have come to accept it as best I can. It’s difficult and I struggle with it, but the one thing that give me comfort is this: I have faith that God has a plan for me. I don’t get to know the plan. I don’t need to know it. Somehow in the big picture of things, He has a plan for me, and it is perfect and that’s all I need to know.
So, maybe my husband is right. God’s watching out for me. He’s been doing it all my life. Thank God.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
