My mother called me today and told me that one of my cousins had passed away this morning. I was sorry to hear that she passed away because every life is precious, but at the same time, I didn’t feel very much else, and I wasn’t sure why. I didn’t know what was wrong with me.
I started to talk to my husband about it and all of a sudden I realized that partially because of my shyness, OCD, and anxiety, but also because of my controlling mother, I don’t really have a relationship with anyone in my family. I literally don’t know how to get in contact with most of my cousins. I have never talked to them except when my mother was there. Everything I know about them I know through her and everything they know about me they know through her.
I knew she had isolated me from others when I was younger, but this was just another layer that I hadn’t seen or realized and when I did, it was like a ton of bricks landing hard on my chest. First, I was surprised because I didn’t feel anything at all about my mother. I wasn’t angry. I literally didn’t feel any emotion at all. Second, I just felt lost and confused. There’s all these people in my family and I don’t know them. I don’t know if I want to know them or if they want to know me. I don’t know if my mom told me the truth about them or lied to them about me. My husband told me it is never too late to reach out, but I don’t know what’s right. I hope that God can guide me in the right direction.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
