I attended a writer’s convention virtually this weekend. I was really amazed at my ability to join in conversations and not be afraid. There was one point when I was in one of the virtual hangout bars and I made a joke. Everyone laughed and I was struck by it. I was actually funny. All my life my brother and mother had told me I had no sense of humor, but I did. I made a joke and lots of strangers laughed.
It really gets to me how much my family messed with my mind and brainwashed me for so many years. Sometimes I get scared that I’ll never really know the true extent of how bad it really was. There was a discussion panel on psychological horror, and they talked a lot about mental illness, which I appreciated, but at the same time, I wished that they could understand that psychological horror can be so much more. Sure, I have PTSD now because of what was done to me, but when I think about the brainwashing that was the horrifying part. Yet, what I write in this blog and what I want to write isn’t about the horror of it all, but that the human spirit can survive. Today, I went to see my mom and she told me she was proud of me for doing the writing work that I am doing now. I didn’t care what she thought. I am free of her. For the longest time, I thought the only way for me to be free was that she was going to have to pass away, but I learned that all I really need was to believe in myself. I know that life is full of miracles and horrors, but I’ll be okay somehow. I’ll get through them, because of my faith.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
