Losing My Mind

I have some older family members who have had problems with memory and dementia. That is a part of their story, but dealing with the situation makes me reflect on my mind.  The scariest part of having OCD and anxiety was feeling like I was losing my mind.  I thought I was going insane and just wouldn’t be able to function because my mind wasn’t functioning correctly.  I also know that there are problem who suffer from OCD and anxiety and they have to be in hospitals because they cannot function.  Then, I am faced with the idea that when I get older, I might get dementia and that I might lose my mind in a completely different way.  

To be honest, losing that part of myself is the scariest thing that I could imagine.  There’s many things that are nightmare scenarios to me, but the one that keeps me up at night is to have my body and brain function stop, but have a deep piece of my brain still working.  I would hate for my loved ones to keep me alive on life support and I would be stuck inside my dead body and dead brain still there somehow, but not able to die.  It is the ultimate claustrophobia for me. I wouldn’t be able to scream or yell; I would just go insane.  

The other part is I wonder about what makes me who I am.  Is it the emotions I feel? Is it the thoughts in my head?  Is it the chemical reactions in my brain?  I studied the philosophy of the mind and there’s a school of thought that says that everything that makes me who I am can be boiled down to chemical reactions in the brain.  I just can’t believe it. 

Somehow, there’s something else. That part of me that floats between the heart, the brain, and the chakra right above the head is my spirit.  It is the part of me that knew there was a God before I could even remember.  It’s the part of me that was around before I was born and it will exist long after I am dead.  It’s the part of me understands the universe and God; it knows the way along my life path.  I say that I’ll be alright if I just follow what is right for my true self; that true self is my spirit.   I say that I want to be the person that God sees when He looks down on me from Heaven.  When God looks at me, He sees my spirit.  And tonight when I worry that one day dementia or Alzheimer’s could take the best parts of me, I can take comfort knowing that there’s nothing that can ever destroy my spirit.  

My faith saved me.  May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.