My husband and I just got back from a short weekend vacation. There were a few things that I had to just put on hold while we were away. Just different things at work and at home that had to wait until I got back. I have to admit with my OCD they were on my mind all weekend, I tried to put them to the side and sometimes I was able to and sometimes they just wouldn’t leave my mind. I just let them be the background chatter in the back of my mind and I tried my best to enjoy my vacation.
When I got back, I tried my best to deal with all those things that I had put aside and some new fires that had sprung up. The worst one was a muddy shitty fiasco literally. It was raining today, and my dogs don’t like to go do their business outside in the rain, so I had to put on their leashes and take them out. When I was outside, I stepped in some feces and got my shoes dirty. After I got the dogs taken care of, I got another pair of shoes and went back outside to clean the first pair of shoes. Instead of fixing the situation, I ended up with two pairs of dirty shoes full of mud and shit. I felt like crying and didn’t know what to do. Instead of having a panic attack, I finally just put it aside for a while, just like I did with the other stuff when I went on vacation. I wasn’t able to put it totally out of my mind; I just can’t do that with OCD. After a while, I tried another solution, and I was able to clean my shoes. I know it might seem like a simple situation, but for me, it felt like a miracle. I have had a headache all day, I have been feeling overwhelmed with work, and when this happened, I just wanted to fall apart. I didn’t have to take anxiety meds. I didn’t have to sit and cry it out. I just needed some time.
I want to say that I am feeling stronger every day, but that’s not the truth. I don’t feel strong at all or at least I don’t feel stronger than I was before. Yet, there’s one difference I am becoming more and more aware of God’s light inside of me. When I would find myself in darkness and would be stumbling around in the dark, I used to have to remind myself that God’s light would be there to guide me, and I would have to believe that it would be there to guide me. Lately, when I find myself in darkness, I realize that I just know God’s there. My belief is becoming my reality.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
