I have spent all my life feeling that if I felt just a little too good or was a little too confident, then karma or whatever other universal spirit would come get me and make my life fall apart. It turns out that many people with OCD feel this way about their own lives. It is the common OCD thought that if you feel too many good feelings something bad is going to happen.
The reason I am writing about it today is yesterday I wrote a very positive post about finding God’s strength within myself. Right after that, everything seemed to fall apart for me. First, I had a relapse of my toothbrushing obsession. I brushed my teeth for over fifteen minutes last night, halfway through this toothbrushing session, I even threw away my toothbrush and got out a new one. I just really wanted to feel like my teeth were smooth with nothing on them. I have lost count of how many times I have brushed my teeth today. Then, I got a really bad migraine headache. The only problem is it is one of those pressure headaches. I’m not feeling pain as much as I am feeling anxiety, dizziness, and just in general like I am totally nuts. One minute I feel like I am fine and then the next minute I feel like I am falling apart.
I wrote about being lost in that darkness and the next thing I know I find myself right there. Am I causing it by writing about it? Are my OCD thoughts valid? If I feel too good, will something bad really happen? Does the universe hate me? Do I have really bad timing?
Maybe I am just asking too many questions. I am always saying I don’t need to know God’s plan, but when it comes to me, I always want to know the why I am the way I am. Maybe I just need to accept myself the way God does. An obsession isn’t a good or bad omen, it is just part of having OCD. A migraine isn’t the universe’s way of hating me; it is just the way my body deals with stress.
God does have a plan for me. I just have to keep trying to have faith in that plan. He didn’t bring me this far to abandon me now.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
