Shine The Light

Today, I have been feeling like I am struggling in the silliest of ways.  I have been having some really awful nightmares and I wake up feeling really sleepy.  However, I can’t sleep during the daytime.  I wish I could.  My husband is able to fall asleep very easily, but even when I am extremely tired, I find it very difficult to relax and fall asleep.

It’s strange because I write about not fighting the flow of life and yet when it comes to sleep, it feels like I can’t find a flow that I can just relax into.   I am either fighting sleepiness or I am trying to fall asleep. 

My recent nightmares all seem to do with my parents.  In the dreams, they are being over-bearing and it makes me feel uncomfortable.   When I assert myself, they get mad at me.  It is a horrible feeling to feel smothered in a dream.  My mother was literally sitting on top of me last night in my dream so that I couldn’t move. 

Maybe that’s why I feel so tired. No matter how much I try to just have a little time to myself away from her reach it feels like no matter what I do, she finds a way into my life.  When I was younger, when I would feel really down and depressed, I wanted to get away.  I would picture being able to just find a cave and be able to go there and no have to interact with anyone.  The ability to no have to deal with anyone seemed like such a wonderful getaway.  Now, when I look back on it, I realize that I really didn’t want to get away from people or from the world.   I just wanted to get away from my life as it was then.   I wanted to get away from her.   I still want to get away from her.  My nightmares are not being able to ever get away from her. 

The saddest part is she doesn’t have a single clue because she doesn’t even recognize that I am a person separate from herself.    Of all the people in the world, I have less patience, kindness, and understanding for her than anyone else because when I am around her, I start to feel less than a person almost like I don’t exist at all. 

There are people in this world who are absolutely horrible.  They don’t recognize the miracle of other people in this world.   They treat other people like they are disposable and pawns on a chess board.  There’s a great example of it going on right now with the war in Ukraine.  These people are so difficult to love.   My mother has treated me like I am not a real person outside of herself. 

The thing is God is teaching me that there’s a part of God in each of us.  In these people who are filled with hate, anger, and fear, there’s a part of God in them, too. And even though, my first inclination is to hate or be angry, somehow, I want to find a way to see them the way God does.  I want to be able to love at least a little, instead of meeting their hate with more hate, I want to find understanding and kindness to meet their angry and fear.   I want to shine the light of God in the face of their lies.  And maybe it won’t make a difference, but maybe it will.  I don’t know, but I don’t have to know.  It’s not my place to know God’s plan; I just need to have faith.

My faith saved me.  May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.