I have written that I would be able to survive even if I was put to the greatest of test. I know that my home, my possessions, even my family could be taken away or destroyed, but that I would find some way to survive because of my faith. As I watch the news in the last couple of weeks, I realize how blessed I am because I am not being put to the test, but the people of the Ukraine are. They are seeing everything that they hold dear being destroyed. Families are being torn apart as men leave their wives and children to go fight for their country. All of them knowing that they may never see each other again. I can’t imagine how they are able to endure the stress and pain.
Then today, I learned that my friend who was fighting cancer suddenly died yesterday. All the things that I know go through my mind. I know that my heart hurts now because of the joy she brought to my life when she was here. I know that she is with God. I know all these things that are truths about life and death and in time they will make the pain easier, but for a while right now it just hurts.
I often talk about letting life flow and not fighting it as if I was swimming. If I kick and try to tread water, then I am just going to get tired and drown, but if I just try to float and let the water flow around me, then I will be okay. It is so easy to talk about it when life is easy or when it is about dealing with a difficult situation, but when it comes to pain and suffering I really struggle. Yet when it comes to pain and suffering, that is when I need to practice it the most.
Pain is a part of life. I can take drugs, drink alcohol, or use other substances to numb it. I can’t run away from it or pretend that it isn’t there. The more I fight it and try to not feel it, then it is like fight the water, I get tired and start to drown. I get overwhelmed by the pain. It starts to feel like I can’t handle it and then I start to get desperate and do horrible things out of fear of feeling pain. At times like this, I have to remember to have faith in God. I have to float in the water of God, just like baptism, and believe that this pain is part of life. It isn’t something that I can avoid, it is just something I have to feel, but that I will be able to do it because God is will me. When everything in me says to run, I have to remember to stay here in the moment with God and with the pain. There’s one more important thing: feeling that pain now really is part of the joy of knowing my friend when she was alive. If I run away from that pain, then I run away from allowing her love into my heart now so that she can live on.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
