I had a dream the other night. I was in a library or some type of place where they were lending books or audio books. I met a woman who seemed nice and she had three children. My first impression was to be weary of her and then I realized that I was being paranoid. So, I decided to open myself up and try to be nice to her. Suddenly, the dream was fast-forwarded by several weeks and we were talking on the phone with both of us trying to fix something in our respective kitchens. We were friends and I wasn’t afraid or weary of this woman and while we were talking on the phone, I kept wondering why I was weary of her on the first place.
The dream has made me think about my own relationships and I realize that I am a very paranoid person. However, it isn’t my fault exactly. When I was growing up, my mother wanted me to have friends, but at the same time she tried so hard to make me afraid of the world. Some of the things she said I can’t just forget.
She would tell me that I couldn’t trust anyone. Not even my own family. Everyone around me was a potential abuser. And I was such a naive person that I wouldn’t ever be able to tell when someone was taking advantage of me. So, I just got to where I assumed everyone wanted to take advantage of me somehow. No one ever really wanted to be my friend, they always had an angle. Without even trying, that thought still sits in the back of my mind today. When I met someone new, when I get a new job, whatever, I always think that there’s something the other person wants to take advantage of me. I feel a pit in the middle of my stomach and I wish that I didn’t ever have to meet anyone new because I don’t want to have to play this horrible game of figuring out how they want to hurt me and stopping them from doing it.
Maybe that’s why even though I know I want so much to feel a sense of community with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I just can’t seem to venture out very far. Right now, I just keep trying and praying that God will help me to see that I can open my heart without other people trying to rip it up.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
