Last night I was feeling really upset. I wanted to cry, and I was just out of sorts. I found myself getting on my work computer. I did data entry and while I was doing it, I listened to music. I put on one song and repeated it. I know that for most people that wouldn’t be very enjoyable or calming, but for me it was great. After about half an hour, I started to feel better. I just kept down the data entry and listening to the same song over and over again.
I don’t know if it is because I have OCD or if I am a little autistic. It could be that I am just a little weird. At my age, it really doesn’t matter. I just know that there’s something about typing and repetition that is soothing to me. I accept that about myself and when I feel lost and upset, I know that it is a tool that I can use to help me.
A few years ago, I discovered alternative rock music. They had some alternative rock music when I was in my twenties, but it wasn’t like the alternative rock today and when I was in my twenties, I knew most of the artist. Today, I have no idea who most of the artist are and sometimes I have no idea what they are singing about. However, I did discover that when I listen to alternative rock, it calms me down. It is really weird because sometimes I don’t ever like the music; it sounds ironically a little bit too alternative for my middle-aged ears, but it really doesn’t matter. Even if I don’t like the way it sounds, if the music makes me feel calm, then I can still use it. It’s a little embarrassing to admit it, but I accept it about myself. And anyway, alternative rock is popular to someone, so it can’t be all that bad.
My point is that when I was younger, I thought that there wasn’t anything that could help me with my anxiety. When I turned to doctors, they had plenty of anti-anxiety meds and the therapist had great tips and tricks for dealing with anxiety. However, it wasn’t until I started to accept myself and who I was that I started to realize that some of the answers were always inside of me. If I just learned more about myself, I would discover some amazing things about who I am and how I deal with anxiety. I know that I don’t have all the answers. I would never advocate not using doctors or therapist to treat anxiety, but for me, accepting myself and learning about who I am and what I am capable of doing has made a huge difference in my anxiety journey. I would have never had the courage to accept myself and risked learning about who I am if I didn’t have faith in God to know that it was going to be okay.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
