Today, I gave myself a panic attack. It is amazing to me. Absolutely nothing can change in my life, except for my own perspective and it will feel like everything has changed. Today was one of those days. I realized after writing my post last night that from a very young age, it has been ingrained in me to be on guard believing that everyone in the world wants to hurt me or take advantage of me. It isn’t because I am a bad person, but because from my very first memories, I was told that I couldn’t trust anyone. I was told that I was naive and too stupid to tell when someone was trying to take advantage of me. I was told to be scared of everyone and at the same time told that I wasn’t able to protect myself from the world that wanted to hurt me.
The paranoia I feel all the time makes sense. The not wanting attention makes sense. The entire way I relate to the world somehow makes more sense today than ever before. The only problem is that I have no idea how to find my way in that scary world. How do I love my brothers and sisters in Christ when I have been taught to be scared of them? How do I find trust and understanding for my brothers and sisters in Christ when I am constantly feeling like they are trying to hurt me?
It’s been fifty years and every time, I try to change, I just feel the shaking hands, the racing heart, the pit in the bottom of my stomach, and I think I just don’t have what it takes to protect myself from all the other humans out there in this big scary world. Maybe I’m wrong. Or maybe I will spend the rest of my life never being able to feel connected to anyone because I really am alien to everyone somehow. My mind is forever altered and it’s never going to be able to relate to all the other people out there. I pray tonight to God for guidance because tonight certainly feels like I am taki
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
