Lately I have been feeling that every once in a while my husband doesn’t see me. It happened today. We were getting ready to cross the street. He was looking at his phone and not paying attention to what was around him. The sign said not to walk. So, I went to press the walk signal. When I looked up, he was already halfway across the street, and he didn’t even notice that I was still on the sidewalk waiting for the walk signal. We have been married over twenty-one years and I don’t know if it means anything or not, but it hurts when it feels like the person you are with doesn’t even notice when you aren’t there.
We are supposed to pick up our dogs from the sitter today. I was really depending on being able to do that. I haven’t noticed it, but since the pandemic I have become very attached to the dogs and they have become very attached to me. It looks that there’s a possibility that we aren’t going to be able to pick them up until tomorrow. And it is really upsetting to me. I know I should be able to deal with it, but I am having a difficult time.
I know that when it really comes down to it, everything and everyone can be taken away and one day it will be. The only thing left will be me and God. I’ll have to find something inside to make everything worth it and to carry on. Some days I feel like I have so much faith and love inside of my heart that I could carry the weight of the world and other days, like today, I feel like I could crumble under the weight of a grain of sand. And I just don’t understand why.
I think to myself sometimes that it’s crazy how I am okay one day and the next feels like an impossible struggle. Then, I remember that I am only human. I can’t do this alone. If I just rely on myself to get through this life, then I am going to fail. One day I am going to feel just too much in this world and I won’t be able to take it. The good news is I don’t do any of it alone. When everything is stripped away, the only thing isn’t just me. The only things left are me AND God. He finds me in the darkness, crumbling under the weight of the grain of sand, and He picks me up and shows me the way into the light. He carries me into another day where I can believe that I will be able to carry on. And I still don’t understand why. Because faith doesn’t make sense. It just is.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
