I am now in day three of feeling like my head is in a slow-motion trash compactor. I fell asleep for a few minutes today, which is usual for me because I have insomnia. When I was asleep, I had a really strange dream.
There were several different versions of me. It was sort of like the idea of the Trinity: three persons in one God. There were three of me, but we were all the same person. Somehow even though I was still alive, my husband was trying to bury me.
I remember that I wasn’t really upset with him because I felt like even though a couple of the parts of me were still alive there was a part of me that was dead although still conscious and it should be buried. I remember being deep down in a dark place and feeling the pressure of something covering me slowing as I was being buried. Right when I wanted to see what was going to happen next, I woke up.
I’m not sure what the dream meant; it could have been so many things. However, I do know what it makes me feel. Right now, no matter how much I want to run away from what is going on with my head, there’s no running away. I can’t convince myself to feel better, take pills, or go see a doctor. This really is what it is.
And that describes having a mental disorder so well, especially when I feel like there are three of me in the same person. There’s this physical body that is suffering and going haywire. Then, I have myself, who I really am, trying to stay calm and work through it. I am trying to have reason and having faith. Finally, inside me, at the very deepest part, is my spiritual self that knows all these truths about the world and life. If I could just tap into that for a little while, I wouldn’t be scared. I’d know that all the darkness is going to pass, and everything is going to be okay. I’d know that everything that seems so important right now, isn’t that important at all. Life is just about finding a balance among my three selves. It is about accepting my mental state as it is and not trying to get away from it. The more I fight it, the worse it feels.
This weather system is very challenging, but at the same time, it is forcing me to remember to not fight my life and accept it as it comes. I am starting to remember there’s something inside of me long buried, but not dead, that is very in tune with God and knows more than I ever imagined. If I only open my heart to that, then miracles will happen. Maybe that’s what the dream was all about. Who knows?
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
