Having OCD makes it really difficult for me to change. Routine gives me a feeling of things being right and when I change, that feeling that something is wrong with the world grows stronger. I have come to realize though that everyone to some degree has trouble with change. I just have seem to have panic attacks when it is too much all at once.
I have learned something really helpful though. When I want to make a change in my life, I just need to do it gradually. If I take steps slowly then it isn’t that bad. That’s why when the pandemic started, I had such a difficult time because everything changed so quickly and all at once.
Right now, there’s some changes and it isn’t as bad. With the new variants, they are changing some of the guidelines about masks. I don’t like changing, but it is only one aspect. I think I can handle that.
When I change my diet, it sometimes takes weeks. I had this idea to start eating pickles as the last thing I eat at night to signal my body that I wasn’t going to eat anything else for the rest of the night. I thought it would be better to eat something a little sour instead of conditioning myself to eat something sweet like a dessert. I bought pickles about two weeks ago, but I haven’t been able to get myself to eat them yet. I am going to try to do it tonight.
It is hard to change. But I guess that is the point. No matter what I do or change, I will always be the same person and always have OCD. I can’t change who I am. I am changing my behavior. It is probably the one and only thing in this world I do control.
It’s so ironic that people walk through the world thinking that they control so much in their lives that they really don’t, but as them to change their behavior, the one thing that is under their control, and they act like it is an impossible task.
I have come to believe that it is a difficult task because it take faith. I have to do what God commands and be the person that He believes I can be. I have to be a loving person who is mindful in my thoughts, words, and deeds. Most importantly, I need to love myself enough to change my behavior not because it is easy and what I want to do, but because it is difficult and what is the best for me. I need to treat myself with the love that God with show me.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
