This weekend I told my husband that I felt like I didn’t fit with the autism community, and I tried to articulate why, but I felt like I didn’t communicate the idea well. Then I saw an image online. It was a cartoon woman surrounded by affirmations for autistics, except as I read them, the affirmations were about creating an environment that would make the autistic feel comfortable. In theory, I understand that line of reasoning. After all, for almost thirty years, as I suffered from anxiety, I created a safe low stress environment to reduce anxiety.
My dilemma is because I chose a different path after the 2020 COVID pandemic. I realized that I needed to flow with life and embrace it, not avoid it or fight against it. I did something counter-intuitive and stopped taking anti-anxiety meds. When I have a panic attack, I face the panic attack and embrace the feelings now. I know that it absolutely crazy, but it has made my life better. For thirty years, I lived knowing that at any moment my body could betray me and I could have this massive attack where I could lose all control and have overwhelming fear. Today, I just live. I know that a panic attack is a possibility, but I also see it as just an ordinary thing. It is as simple as hiccups are a possibility or a migraine is a possibility. Yes, it is annoying and painful, but it is just part of life.
And maybe that’s the lesson. There’s nothing in life that God will give me that is too overwhelming. Sometimes I might feel overwhelmed, but I can trust that God will always lead me through the darkness. Loving life, being grateful for every moment, really comes down to having faith in God.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
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