It is my first post of the new year. I am an hour away from being late because I have been consumed, maybe obsessed, with finishing my novel. I don’t know if that is a bad thing or a good thing. I guess it is just because I am so close to the end, I would really like to finish.
I don’t know if it is my OCD, autism, or whatever else. I do know that how I am feeling probably isn’t the way other people feel because I don’t feel great right now. I feel like I do when I go on an airplane. I feel anxious with anticipation for the experience to be completed and I know that once it is finished I will feel so much better. I don’t know how to deal with that feeling other than to just let it happen.
I’ve learn that if I try to fight the feeling, then I will just become more and more anxious and I’ll probably have a major panic attack. I know it’s not the best feeling or ever a pleasant feeling to have, but I think this falls under that part of the Serenity Prayer about what I can control and what I can’t control. I can’t control the obsessions and compulsions. I can control my reactions to them.
I have been enjoying a social media group about autism, but even in that group, I find people who don’t seem to understand that simple lesson about control. They sound like they want to control their environment and everything around them, so that they can control the disorder. I guess I don’t want to do that. Trying to control whatever is going on with me doesn’t work for me. I figured that out a little while ago. Instead, I want to let it go. I want to embrace every part of who I am. And when I get like this, I don’t want to try to control myself, I want to be who I am and instead try my best to be the best person I can in whatever situation I find myself in. I can’t control my body, but I can control who I am. And I believe with all my heart and soul that I am a child of God.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
