This weekend I had a difficult time because I was going through the process of accepting that I have autism. I guess the idea is difficult because I just don’t want to know that I have another disorder. I have anxiety disorder, I have OCD, I have mild dyslexia, and now, autism. It makes my brain sound like it is totally messed up. The truth is my brain is exactly the way that God made it.
Today, I was thinking back to a very particular memory. When I was taking a special ed class. I was having a difficulty administering a test and I went to speak to my professor about it. Looking back now, I know that my difficulty was dyslexia. I was having trouble because I wasn’t seeing the words correctly. This woman was a specialist in education, and she was such a horrible person that she already had something in her mind that she didn’t care about helping me. She could have listened, but instead she just threw me to the side along with everyone else in that department. I could be angry, but it is just another way that people fall through the cracks.
That memory made me wonder about all the signs that were missed and why they were missed. The only answer I have is that it wasn’t time. Everything happens in God’s time and it just wasn’t time for the blinders to be removed. I have faith in God’s plan and I can accept that.
So, today, I find myself feeling grateful. With my new knowledge, I can find ways to be even less anxious and to work through my problems better. I also know that God will be there to help me through it all. And I just had a weird thought. If I had learned about the autism before the pandemic, then I wouldn’t know about the idea that it is okay to just let myself feel anxiety. I might still be going to doctors and taking medications and doing all kinds of things to avoid the symptoms. Instead, I am at a point in my life, where I have a new attitude toward anxiety and it is wonderful because I know how to just let it flow over me. Maybe God’s time is exactly what I needed.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
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