I think I am having a difficult time today because of lack of structure. I guess I want to feel some kind of control over my life and because of that I want to have structure so that I know what’s happening. I want to know when I am going to eat, when activities are taking place, etc. If I don’t know, it makes me really anxious, especially when I know that I am not the person who is making those decisions.
For example, I went to breakfast with my husband’s relatives. We had a great time visiting and eating, but we sat talking for a long time after we finished eating. I felt claustrophobic because usually when everyone finishes eating, you leave. That didn’t happen. So, I knew we would be staying to visit and talk for a while, but I didn’t know how long. I felt like I couldn’t stay still. The restaurant seemed so loud. I wanted to leave and have a break from the noise and energy. When we finally left, I started to have a horrible migraine headache. Part of my problem was that I felt like I couldn’t choose when we left.
I know that it isn’t just autism; it is also my PTSD. I had my life controlled for such a long time that now I really freak out when it feels like I have no control. I guess what I could have done was get up and go outside for a while. I kept forgetting that I have choices. It’s one of those crazy things. I think that’s part of the PTSD, autism, and everything else.
It all comes down to figuring out what is going on when it is happening and then figuring out what I have control over and what I don’t have control over.
Before I started to write this post, I was feeling angry and upset because I had it in my mind that other people involved in my situations were being self-centered and thoughtless. Maybe they are and maybe they aren’t, but I am realizing that’s not the point. I can’t control how other people behave. So, what’s the point in getting angry about how they behave? I can control how I behave. In this situation, I think I should be feeling upset because I failed to see all my opportunities. I hope that in the future I can do better. And most importantly, I am realizing that if I see what I can control and what I can’t control, then maybe my heart will open up and I will find more patience and understanding when it feels like others are being self-centered and thoughtless. I’m not here to judge others, I am here to change me and to love others. I hope that I can do better next time. I pray that I will be able to.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
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