Yesterday I wrote about when I feel angry or upset that I should do something about it instead of feeling angry or upset with the people around me thinking that they are thoughtless and self-centered. Later on in the day, I had another opportunity for the exact situation to come up. Thinking about it now, I almost feels like life is going to throw this one up at me over and over again until I figure it out.
I realized that the people around me can’t read my mind. They can’t know how my body feels or what I am thinking. They aren’t thoughtless or self-centered. They just don’t know. So, when I feel something like incredibly thirsty because of my dry mouth or incredibly claustrophobic because of my anxiety, then it is very prideful of me to expect other people to understand what I am going through especially because I have been living with it all my life; I have developed lots of coping skills and it’s difficult for anyone to see what is happening to me. If I want someone to take care of me, then I should expect for me to take care of me because I am the one who knows what is happening. And if I want help, then I need to speak up and say that I need help.
I saw a video from a guy with autism and he explained how he needed time to recover after having been bombarded with too much energy. Having to recover made him feel guilty because others didn’t need that recovery time. And the entire time I thought to myself that I understood how he was feeling, but at the same time I wanted to shout “Don’t compare your life to anyone else’s life. It doesn’t work that way.” I sometimes feel like shouting at the top of my lungs because no one sees what I am going through, but I am learning that I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I don’t need to feel guilty for making sure I am okay. I can put the oxygen mask on myself before I worry about the other passengers on the journey of life.
And if I feel like I can’t, of course I can say I need help, but at the same time, I need to remember that I never could get through any of it alone. The only way I exist is because God gives me everything I need. I am not strong; God gives me strength. I am not anything; God gives me what I need to endure. I know that I will be able to continue on life’s journey no matter what comes next, not because of me, but because God is with me every step of that journey.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
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