After my mom died, I noticed my anxiety levels change in ways that I never expected. However, recently, there’s been a new development that really surprises me. I was in the bathroom a few days ago and I saw a bug. Normally, I would be scared of the bug and couldn’t touch it. I would be obsessed by the idea of it touching me. I would finally find something to cover it and just let my husband take care of it when he came home. Instead, I crushed it with my shoe to make sure it was dead, picked it up with a tissue, and threw it away. I really didn’t experience any fear except at the very beginning of the situation when I was surprised to see the bug in the first place. If it had been a bigger bug, I probably would have had a much bigger fear reaction, but I didn’t have any fear reaction.
I wondered about it. I have been afraid of bugs all my life. I didn’t do anything to cure that fear. I didn’t go to therapy. The only thing that happened was my mom died. I remember that my mom told me once that she was very scared of bugs, but she always “acted” like she wasn’t because she didn’t want us to be afraid of bugs. I wonder if there’s an answer there.
I have come to understand that I am very sensitive to other people’s feelings. I may not have understood much when I was younger because my mom always taught me to not trust myself, but I think that there’s a good possibility that I picked up on her fears, especially her fear of bugs. She may have acted on the surface that she wasn’t scared, but maybe a felt her fear. After all, I know that the best way to lie is to believe the lie. If you really want someone to believe you aren’t afraid, then you have to convince yourself you aren’t afraid. I don’t think my mother was capable of that.
With me, I am learning that it is okay to have anxiety and fear. The difference is giving that up to God and being honest about it. Then, move forward anyway in faith that God will get you through it. My life will always be a struggle with anxiety. I am okay with that, but I know that anxiety and fear will never hold me back from living my life because I have my faith in God.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
