I have been reading a book about horror movies, books, and culture. I found out about something called a “Shockumentary”. Essentially, it is a documentary film that is horrific because the film makers include graphic violence that isn’t really necessary. The name for these films are “Mondo Films” after the original film from the 1960’s that was called “Mondo Cane”.
When I was in elementary school, my parents bought an organ, and we had a song book and would play music on the keyboard. One of the songs that I remember from that song book was “More” the theme from “Mondo Cane”. I was shocked to find out that something from my childhood was associated with horror in such a way.
Then, as I continued to read the book about horror, I realized that I was exposed to horror very early as a child. There were several movies that I shouldn’t have seen in movie theaters that I saw in movie theaters. The weirdest part was that I do get scared from movies, but I don’t get scared like most people do or at least I don’t think I do.
When I sit in a movie theater, if there is a jump scare, then I might jump out of fright. It is that regular reaction. I also get nervous from tension in movies, but feeling afraid from the horror of movies doesn’t really bother me. I might get grossed out from the violence and think I don’t like it, but I don’t really get scared. I didn’t have it happen when I was a kid either.
Instead, I would have an image or a few seconds from a film get stuck in my head and I wouldn’t be able to get rid of it. My OCD brain would just hold on to that image and I would see it in my mind’s eye over and over again.
Late at night, in the dark, when I see shadows all around me, my OCD thoughts tell me, that maybe there’s something behind me. There could be something standing right behind me. There could be someone lurking in the shadows right outside. That image in my mind could be manifesting itself as soon as I turn as corner. For me, that’s where fear lives because it isn’t what I have seen in the movie that isn’t real, but when I am in bed late at night looking at the shadows, hearing those thoughts in my head, the possibility that they could be real is what truly frightens me.
I walk a tightrope with my OCD. Knowing that faith is the only thing that can protect me from my troubled mind. Sometimes, I have to turn and look behind me to check and see that the monster isn’t standing there and sometimes, I give it up to God and know that He will protect me even if there is one standing there. It will always be struggle, but it is worth it.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
