Yesterday a neighbor came by a little after eight p.m. My husband answered the door. Afterward, I asked him if he checked to see who it was before he opened the door and he said, “No.”. His answer shocked me because I always check before I answer the door.
We discussed it. I told him that it could have been anyone. He said he knew that it was probably a neighbor and so he just opened the door. He said that I was paranoid and that it had been ingrained in me to be afraid because of my upbringing. I couldn’t argue with that. However, I had noticed a few other things this past weekend that made our responses to this situation more poignant.
We went to a grocery store in a small town. In the parking lot, I saw a car with the windows rolled down. My husband didn’t think anything of it, but I immediately noticed it and thought it was unusual. My husband has lived in small towns where it is okay to leave your doors unlocked and your car windows down. However, I have lived in a large city all my life and I am a woman in addition. I have been taught that you never leave anything unlocked, you never leave your car unsecured, and as a woman you always have to be aware of your surroundings because you are a target for crime.
Now, I’ll admit that I was raised by two parents that taught me to be paranoid, but all the rest is true as well. In a large city, a person needs to have some sense of the dangers of living in a large metropolitan area where crime exists. We live in an area that is very safe, but at the same time, it isn’t a small town where there is no crime.
It leads me to wonder about desire, fear, and paranoia. It is best not to have desire especially not for material things because in the end I am going to lose them anyway. However, in my life, I don’t want to lose those things that I need. And I guess that if someone was desperate enough to break into my house and steal from me, then I wouldn’t fight them. However, what really scares me is if someone is desperate enough to steal from me material possessions, then they might be desperate enough to hurt or kill me, my husband or our dogs. That’s causes me fear and paranoia. I have all these horrible nightmare images of worst-case scenarios not of people taking away all the material possessions I have, but in taking away all the lives I have around me.
And I guess that’s the hardest part for me. I can understand being desperate enough to consider stealing, but I can’t understand why anyone would take a life. What we can’t understand or what we don’t know is that which we fear. So, I live with my paranoia, and I hope that God can help me understand because I don’t want to fear others. I want to see the light of God in everyone that I meet just as I would hope they see the light of God within me.
I hope one day when I hear a knock on my door that I will open it up in the spirit of welcoming, before I check for danger first.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
