I watched a video yesterday on some of the traits of autism. I had many of them. I am not sure what to do with the information. I just means my brain works differently. The PC term these days is neurodivergent. I don’t really like that term. Neuro just means brain. But divergent means moving away from what is expected or moving away from a path or a standard. The term separates me from others and makes it my fault because it makes it seem like I am moving away instead of society pushing me away because I don’t fit into their expectations.
All that aside, my brain does work differently. I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, a diagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder, undiagnosed dyslexia, and probably undiagnosed autism. Society calls all of these disorders. They want me and everyone else to believe that when the brain doesn’t function like everyone else, then the person has a disorder. I think that’s prejudice. When people don’t act like they are expected, then society puts a label on them and acts as if these people are victims or survivors of their own bodies.
Last night as I contemplated all these traits that I had, I realized something significant. Whether or not I have autism, I should be thanking God that my brain works differently. My parents, especially my mother, wanted to gaslight me. They wanted me to take in the lies, never leave home, and let them treat me like a helpless doll for the rest of my life. It didn’t work because I had to be honest with myself and everyone else. No matter how much it hurt them or even myself, I was brutally honest. I wouldn’t continue with the gaslighting. Every time I spoke the truth, they would become so angry with me. And even though I knew it would happen, I continued to be defiant and held on to the truth instead of my family. In the end, I broke the cycle of abuse, but I also lost my family in the process. I have to be thankful though because I gained myself and I found a new family.
This idea that brains that function differently are disordered just hurts me. I think the way my brain functions is the way God made me. He didn’t make a mistake. He made me perfectly and He had a plan for me. Sometimes when I look back on my life, I see how these disorders have saved me and helped me find the correct path. Other times, when I have found myself in dark places, I can’t see the big picture. That doesn’t me that it isn’t there. I don’t need to know God’s plan. I just need to have faith in it.
Today, I have a bad headache. I don’t know why I have these headaches. I will deal with them as best I can. I will turn to God knowing that He is by my side. I will be grateful that God gives me strength and that I will be able to handle the headache. I won’t know how these headaches fit into God’s plan for me, but I will believe that He has a plan. I will have faith in His plan, and I will embrace the headache knowing God’s plan for me is a good plan even though I will never know what it is.
My faith saved me. May God’ peace reside in all of our hearts.
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