I have been having a bad cluster migraine the last few days. I am finally on some medications that should help get rid of it, but I want to also try something that I think might help. I don’t know if it will, but as always, I am willing to try.
Last week I quit my job. I decided with my husband to try writing as a career. Not just writing because that doesn’t really make much money, but to get to where I could also teach. That’s going to take some time and effort, but I think I can do it.
Here’s what I want to try. Although I know in my heart that I made the right decision to follow my dreams, I also know that I had to say goodbye and let go of something. I’ve been holding onto accounting like a safety net for the last twenty years. It is scary to let it go. More than that, I realized that there are many people that I work with that I had to say goodbye to because I just wouldn’t be working with them everyday anymore. Although I didn’t like some of them, there were some people that I really liked, and it hurts to know that I am letting go of that.
If I follow old patterns, I would just act like it isn’t a big deal, but for me this time, it is. I don’t want to act like it doesn’t hurt. It does. I feel an emptiness inside thinking about not doing all those things that I having been doing on a regular basis. My entire routine is going to change and it hurts.
I’ve been feeling this horrible pain in the side of my head like someone is jabbing an ice pick into my temple. The pain is sharp, and it just won’t go away. Maybe it is just migraine pain. Maybe the new medications will be my answer. And maybe, just maybe, my body is trying to tell me something: the pain inside is real.
It’s okay for me to feel sad about all these changes; it doesn’t mean that my decision was bad. I’ve been dreaming of changing my life and being different. I finally have the opportunity to make those changes, but at the same time, I need to remember to feel my feelings and embrace my life. All the bad and good that is and that will come. I need to be able to face my fears and still be anxious, yet brave. The only way I know how to do that is through faith.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
