Today has been a pain day. I have had a cluster migraine all weekend and it has continued today. I can tell migraines are cluster migraines because the pain is in my temples, it doesn’t go away easily, and the pain causes my eye to tear. The tearing is a very telling symptom because I have very dry eyes. If my eyes tear, then I know something out of the ordinary is occurring.
If something is recurring in my life, then I believe God is trying to tell me something. Most of my disorders are painful and reoccurring, but they are all symptoms of my nervous system because overwrought and having severe PTSD. I wonder if the cluster migraines mean something more. They happen infrequently and they also happen at the most inconvenient times.
When I get the cluster migraines, I often feel myself torn between what I feel are my responsibilities and taking care of myself. Even if I am able to find a way to resolve that conflict, I often find myself having difficulty relaxing so that I can actually get over the cluster headache.
I think it goes back to how I was brought up. Every time I was sick, I was told that I was being a baby about it or that I was being a hypochondriac. My only solution was to resolve to be strong and push myself to get better. If I had a cold, then I would force myself to do all the treatments and make myself feel better. I never let myself just relax.
A couple of years ago, I got COVID and I just couldn’t get out of bed for about twelve hours, but the whole time, I kept trying to force myself to get up and get moving. It is like constantly treading water instead of floating. So, maybe these cluster migraines occur because I don’t know how to float in pain. If I could find a way to accept the pain for what it is, maybe I would understand.
Today, I ask God for guidance. Help me to understand how to accept even painful experiences not to fight against them or push through them, but just to experience them and embrace the experience.
And there’s one last part to it. I left my job to start a new experience. It is scary and great at the same time, but I must acknowledge, it is painful to end one part of my life. It hurts and it isn’t easy to say to goodbye to it. Maybe I have such a bad headache because I just didn’t want to admit that I’m scared and it hurts to say goodbye to that part of my life.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
