I went to the library today and got a library card. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but I went by myself without my husband. When I got there, I didn’t wait in my car to psyche myself up to go in, I just went in without fear. When I got to the desk, I just told the person what I wanted, and it went fine. I didn’t find myself needing to take time to find the courage to do it. Instead, I just did it.
For many people, it seems like a simple thing, no big deal, but for me it was. For most of my life, whenever I had to face a new situation or talk to someone, I always feared what might happen. I felt so much anxiety that I felt paralyzed. I had to stop and breathe. I had to work up courage and bravery to face the unknown. However, now I find myself walking straight into situations without paralyzing anxiety. I still feel anxious and have my OCD thoughts, but I just don’t feel like the world is going to stop if I make a mistake. I’d love to believe that it’s because I found some strength, but sadly the truth is my mom’s gone. All that pressure she ever put on me has been released somehow.
A friend told me to stop blaming her. Well, I don’t blame her for it. I’m the one who put what she said to me in such importance. And as I write this, I understand that I have sinned against God. I have sinned: not my mom, but me. I write that the first of the greatest commandments is to have no god above God Himself. It could be putting anything before God, such as an addition or love of money or pride. Well, in my case, I put my mother above God. I let her change how I saw the world, how I saw myself, and how I saw God. I know that it’s difficult not to have done that, but I also know that I knew better. I need to never let anyone, or anything ever come between me and God again. I don’t want anyone to ever change the way I feel about myself and ignore God’s grace. No one’s opinion of me is ever as important as God. Maybe that’s why I feel freer and less anxious now. It isn’t that I have been released from my mom as much as I have turned to God now that she is gone. I try more and more every day to see myself the way He sees me. May God forgive me for all those years that I didn’t understand.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
