I want to believe that God has a plan for us. I want to believe it so much and yet when I see the things around me this past week my faith in that plan falters. It is strange because I can face a migraine headache or a dark time in my own life and know that I am going to go through a dark tunnel where there will be no light. I will know that I can get through it and that it will be okay because God is will me. I will feel myself in that darkness, feeling alone, crying and being in pain, knowing that I can’t see hope or light, understanding that there’s no reason to believe that I will ever come out of the darkness and into the light, and yet I know deep inside that I will. I know that even when I feel at my lowest, I have faith that I will get through somehow.
The problem is when it comes to the world. When I see the world going into a dark tunnel, I don’t have the same faith. I guess it’s because of what I feel. I have want to feel like the world is a good place full of good people that I can connect with and share my faith with, but the truth is that from the moment I was born I had people around me who were hurting me and lying to me. They wanted me to be afraid of the world. In my own family, there are murders and rapists. I am supposed to be able to feel this connection to the rest of humanity, and feel the love, but when I get around people, I see and feel bad energy.
The reason I don’t want to be a part of social media or crowds or most anything social is that it seems to bring out the worst of what it means to be human. Even religion wants to categorize people and say only some will be saved and the rest are going to hell. Even with religion, people kill each other. Then, I think about charity. My husband and I helped with a food distribution event to help needy families. After all the food was given out, there was so much food left over, and it was going to go to waste. Charity even is about the rich and wasteful and money and it no longer is about helping those in need as much as it is about the appearance of it. Everything that gives me hope seems to be corrupted by money, power, greed, and pride.
I told my husband something yesterday. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live like this. If God has a plan for me, if God has a plan for us, then please dear Lord, help us now.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
