I find myself feeling the stages of grief and continuing to still be in anger. I realized something that in the last few years, I feel disillusioned about the world. It isn’t the world that I thought it was. Nothing is the world that I thought it was. If I am really honest with myself, even my concept of God isn’t the same.
I told my husband about this feeling, and he said that maybe it’s enlightenment. I complained saying that I always thought when you reached a state of enlightenment it was a good thing, not seeing everything worse. However, as I write this I think about how God sees the world and the universe without value and category. He doesn’t really see good or bad, better or worse. He just sees things as they are. Maybe my enlightenment at this stage is a lesson from God. If it is I believe it to be a very difficult and painful lesson. I think the lesson is to see the world and other people as they are. I frequently write that I am and that’s all I need to be, but right now I am looking at the world, the state of the United States, the way people behave towards each other and I am not accepting of things as they are. It’s a horrible lesson, but if I want to love as I love myself, as I know God loves me, then I need to learn the humbling and difficult lesson of acceptance. I don’t know how to do it. Right now, every time I think about things I get angry, fearful, and hurt. I know that will lead to sin and I’m just trying my best not to take the wrong path right now. So, my prayer for today so to ask God to lead me away from temptation. I know it is all around me at this very moment. I pray that God will help me find my way to understanding this lesson of acceptance because I really want to understand; I just know I am not there yet. I also thank God for all His blessings in my life and His continued presence in my life.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
