When I wrote my post last night, I remembered something important about my relationship with God. God doesn’t expect me to finish my growth and become a perfect person. He expects me to continue to try to be a better person every day of my life until the day that I die. He doesn’t care about the end result as much as the fact that I tried every day to be a better person. When it comes to other difficult trials in my life, I always thought about all the reasons I shouldn’t try because I was afraid that I would fail. I always knew all the reasons I would fail before I even started. I think I did that because of my mother. She taught me that. She wanted to keep me safe and by her side. So, every time I tried to spread my wings, she gave me all these reasons not to do it so that I wouldn’t fly away from her. I didn’t realize that she was teaching me to be self-defeating. I don’t think she did either. Yet, with God, He doesn’t want us to be self-defeating. He wants us to spread our wings and try to fly. And if we fall, He will be there to pick us up.
The other important lesson is that when my mom kept me safe by her side, I never got the chance to feel confident to reach out into the world. It still scares me to this day. She taught me to be afraid. She taught me that I wasn’t good enough to handle it. Yet, God teaches that I have Him within me and I should be able to love myself the way He loves me and then I should share that love with others. My mother didn’t understand that. I suspect that she died thinking no one really loved her, and it breaks my heart knowing she had so much love and couldn’t recognize it. I know I have love and I don’t want the big regret of my life to be that I didn’t share it with the world. So, I pray for God to give me the courage to share the love I have with others and to try even though I might fail. Most importantly, give me the faith to take those leaps knowing that if I fall, God will be there to pick me up.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
