I was listening to a comedian who was making a joke about ungrateful children. He was saying how parents essentially give everything to their children for around twenty-five years and then their children act like they can’t stand their parents. Although I know it was a joke. It rang true for me a little because I don’t like dealing with my mother.
I started to wonder once again if I have given enough when it comes to her. My problem comes down to did she really give me everything during the early part of my life? There are lots of children that should be very grateful for their parents because they actually do love them and care for them. I know that sometimes as we grow up, it may not seem that way, but looking back usually parents are doing what is best for their children even if it is tough love. In my case, however, it wasn’t.
In fact, it still isn’t. To this day, everything is about control and manipulation. As much as I forgive and try to love, I still find myself having to protect myself. I know she tried to love me in her own way. While there is love there and I am grateful for all she did for me, I do have a sense of dread when she calls. It isn’t because I don’t honor that she is my mother. I dread it because I know she is going to try to lie to me, manipulate me, and treat me like I am not my own person.
God never would want me to be grateful for someone who hurts me. Yes He teaches us to turn the other cheek, but He also teaches us to love ourselves and to show that love to others. It takes courage and love to tell an abuser that they aren’t going to continue hurting you. I just want to be my own person. I am thankful for everything she gave me, but that’s the one thing I needed from her that she still refuses to acknowledge. At least, God sees the person I am.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
