I was thinking about my mother yesterday. A friend told me that I should stop blaming her for everything. I think that would be a mistake. Although I have PTSD because of how I was treated, I realize that she shaped the way I see the world. It wasn’t how she intended. However, I am a highly moral and ethical person because of the values that she unintentionally taught me. Also, I am a patient, giving, and adaptable person because I lived in a dysfunctional household. My experiences that she was a part of made me who I am. I want to be able to accept and love who I am. That means loving and accepting the things and people who shaped me. So, yeah, I blame her not for all my struggles or my achievements, but for helping to give me the experiences that shaped me. I am grateful because without her, I wouldn’t be the same person.
One of the things I learn in my lifetime is bravery. I have learned to move forward even when I am very scared and anxious. I don’t know who taught me to be brave. I want to believe it was God. Right now, I am thinking about two obstacles I will need to face tomorrow. I want to cry, and I feel lots of anxiety symptoms over it. I want so much to run away from it, but I know I can’t. I know that in both cases no matter what I do that it is going to hurt either physically, mentally, emotionally, or a combination. I don’t know how to get through it. I just know that I need to keep in mind that I am trying to be a better person, that’s all. When I face these obstacles, I must face them without fear and anger in my heart, only God’s love. If I do that, then maybe I can get through it. Tonight, I pray that God give me peace of mind to remember to treat others with His love, patience, and kindness. I pray that God give me the strength to get through these obstacles with love and gratitude and without fear and anger.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
