The last two days I haven’t been able to write very well. I just haven’t felt well, but I wrote anyway. Recently, I have had some people tell me I’m strong, but lately, I’ve been feeling like an irrational crazy OCD person. I guess there’s a paradox there. If I could just be left alone without having to worry about anyone else be on an island or in a cave, then it would be easy for me to deal with my anxieties and feelings, but then I would miss out on a lot. So, instead I have to be a part of life, but when I do, I feel like an irrational person a lot because I don’t think like everyone else. Then, I feel weak all the time because I’m not like everyone else. I don’t think and feel the same. I don’t want to be the same. After fifty years, I actually have to admit that I wouldn’t mind it if I found out that I was an alien. And yet, I just go on. I do what I do. I am and that’s all I can be.
For the longest time, I felt so terribly bad about myself because I wasn’t enough for those around me. Now that my mom’s dead, I want to feel unapologetically myself. I am what God made me and until I die, that’s all I can be. When I find myself feeling sick or tired, because of my OCD or whatever else I am, I find myself just continuing on the path God has set out for me. I cry, complain, melt down, and fall apart, but then I just let God guide me along the path some more and I keep going. I don’t know maybe that’s the key to faith. It isn’t about being strong, brave, or courageous. It isn’t about having anything special within yourself. The only key is knowing God. I have never been strong. I have never been much of anything and yet I am because God is. I exist because I believe.
Strange. Some philosopher came up with that phrase, “I think therefore I am.” Yet, it could all be a series of chemical reactions in the brain. It could be a computer simulation or a dream. It could be a huge AI experiment, couldn’t? Reality is all relative in of brave new world of technology where anything is possible? And yet, for me, the one true thing is God. Everything else could be a lie, an illusion, all fluff. But I know deep inside, God is. And isn’t it weird? Scientist can prove the existence of so many things, but they can’t prove the existence of God. And yet, for me the ultimate Agnostic, I think nothing can truly be proven, not really. This amazing, wonderful experience that is my life whether real or not is a gift from God. I will be thankful all the days of my stupid little life for it. And it doesn’t matter what is real and what isn’t because the only truth that I need is God. That’s why I pray, why I live, and why I go on walking the path even when I get lost, tired, and scared. God is.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
