Today was another one of those days that felt like a perfect storm of anxiety welling up inside of me. I think it came to a head during a zoom meeting at work. I felt overwhelmed, I started to have a hot flash, I got nauseated, and I had a terrible pain in the back of my head along the occipital ridge of my skull. These symptoms all occurred during a meeting as I tried to concentrate on what was being said instead of my physical body.
When the symptoms reached their height, I stepped away for a minute to take some anti-nausea meds. Then, I just continued with the meeting. The ironic part about anxiety is that often when you are busy and overwhelmed sometimes there’s no time for anxiety. I have found that when I have to concentrate on something or when I just need to push through due to obligation or responsibility, somehow, I find myself on autopilot and I find myself getting through it.
It doesn’t always work. One day I came home from an evening class, and I got a call my father had been admitted to the hospital. Although I was in the middle of a panic attack, I dropped everything and went straight to the hospital to be with him. My anxiety got put on hold out of worry for my father. However, when I was waiting a few years ago for my mother to get out of surgery, I had a panic attack, and I just couldn’t stand it. I ended up running out of the hospital because I couldn’t stand being in that hospital anymore. I do have to admit that I did end up feeling every bit of that panic attack, I didn’t run away from the feelings. I just let myself feel it. The entire time I felt the panic, I just kept reassuring myself through the shaking and the tears that it was only a panic attack and that I was going to be okay.
The most amazing part is that it really was okay. The idea of having a panic attack is so much scarier than actually having a panic attack. I think that’s the part that no one ever talks about. In our world, we don’t realize that it’s okay to feel bad sometimes. It isn’t the end of the world. God will stand by my side through anything and everything.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
