This week there are many events taking place that I don’t have any control over. The best I can do is try to just relax and stay in the moment. The problem with that is that I am having anxiety symptoms. I feel like I can’t breathe. It could be an asthma attack, or it could be anxiety. I took my inhaler in the hope that I might breathe easier. My mind is racing with thoughts of the future and all the things that could go wrong in the next few days. And of course, because it is me and my OCD brain, I think of the worst possible worse case scenarios that could possibly happen: death, plane crashes, losing everything that’s important to me, fires, etc.
I actually feel like crying. I am also dealing with pressure headaches, too. They cause anxiety as well. It is like a perfect storm. The only thing I can do is realize that I want to experience my life and I know that God is with me. It doesn’t matter if this doesn’t feel great. I’m blessed just to feel anything at all. It doesn’t matter if I can’t control any of it, I know that whatever comes, I’ll be able to live through it because God is at my side. I’ve been living with these pressure headaches, OCD, and anxiety for years now. It is always going to be a struggle and it’s never going to be easy, but life isn’t supposed to be easy.
There’s also one more important issue at work. It’s Lent. During this time, I have given up drinking some sodas to make me think about the sacrifice Jesus made in dying for my sins. That little sacrifice I am making shouldn’t seem so bad in comparison to what God did for me. However, what I really need to think about is how I go through pain and uncomfortable feelings due to my anxiety and realize that no matter how much it hurts no amount of anxiety will ever compare to what Jesus did for me. I know it’s not good to compare, but here’s the important thing. If He could get through that, then surely, He can get me through any of my little worldly problems. All I need to do is trust that if I fall, God will pick me up and carry me. I trust in Him completely. I have faith.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
