I was reading about the ancient mysteries and how stones and rocks were important to early man and played an important part in our lives from the very beginning. They offered shelter, protection, tools, and a means to make fire. As I have been reading about the ancient mysteries, I am amazed at how in the modern world, how easy it is to forget how the natural world provides so much to us. We should be truly grateful for all that the earth provides to us and understand what a miraculous gift God has given to us.
I read about how rocks were important and still are in explaining the mysteries of spirituality, philosophy, and God. It reminded me how my mother always used to say I was her rock. I hated that so much. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be someone she could depend on, it was because she treated me like a possession instead of a person. If she could, she would have picked me up and put me in her pocket like a stone she found on the ground.
I didn’t want to be a thing. I wanted to be a person. An individual, full of thoughts, emotions, dreams, and everything else. Yet, no matter what I did, she’d never see that. All my life no matter what I said or did, she’d only see me as a thing, an extension of her that she had to control.
After she passed away, I changed so much. I felt so guilty about it. When she died, it was like this heavy weight was lifted off my spirit. I didn’t feel all this pressure on me anymore and I felt a great sense of relief. I tried to break free of her when she was alive. I told myself that I didn’t have to let her get to me and I changed my life. I changed my attitude, and I went to therapy. I did all these things and I really made huge strides, but every time I saw her and even when I didn’t see her, I still felt weighed down somehow.
Then, after she died, everything changed. Somehow, I wasn’t wrong anymore. I wasn’t failing her, and I wasn’t disappointing her. I could be free and just be me. I kept telling my husband that maybe I should see a therapist, but I couldn’t justify it. After how, how could I see a therapist for feeling better now that my mother’s dead? The strangest part is every day she is gone, I realize how much I am not like her. and I also realize how much I am like my father. Every day, I feel like I am turning into him. As much as our relationship was strained, I feel like every day, I come to understand the person he was more and more.
I don’t really understand why. I know God has a plan for me and maybe I’m not meant to understand. However, I just can’t get my head around why she would marry someone she hated so much. She spent her whole life putting him down in front of me and wanting me to hate him too. She lied to me about him, herself, and their marriage. And now, I find it so difficult to remember anything good about her because there’s nothing good of her inside of me, but everyday I feel part of him inside of me coming out. Maybe it’s about honor and forgiveness.
They both made mistakes. I couldn’t control them or change the way they were, but there was a big difference. My dad made mistakes, he wasn’t perfect, but I know he wanted the best for me, and I know that he love me, my brother, and my mom. I think I can see the parts of him inside of me and know that he makes me a better person.
With my mom, she hated herself so much that she didn’t believe anyone could love her and she just wanted to bring everyone down so that she could feel better. She lived in lies, deceit, and manipulation. I know she tried to love me the best way that she knew how to, but I don’t know if she really knew how to love. When I hear her voice in mine, it scares me because I don’t want any part of her to be inside of me, I worry that the parts of her inside of me will make me a worse person and bring me down.
I hope that both my parents found what they need to find when they died. I hope that we all find what we need to find when we die and that we get a glimpse of ourselves the way God sees us.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
