This morning it was very cold, and my husband put some sweaters on the dogs before he left. During lunch, I noticed that one of the dogs didn’t have her sweater on anymore. I went all through the house, and I couldn’t find it. I decided to just let it go and go back to my work. However, I only worked for about five minutes and all I could think about was the sweater. I stopped working and I got up and searched for the sweater. I finally found it outside in the backyard.
The situation is indicative of my OCD. If something gets on my mind, it gets stuck in my mind. I can’t stop thinking about it. Even if I had kept working, I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it. Living with OCD means that things get stuck in my head. Sometimes they get stuck for hours, sometimes they get stuck for days, months, or even years. It is strange. Many people who know me think that I have a great memory don’t realize it isn’t that I have a great memory. I have something about my brain that takes little things and repeats them over and over again endlessly. When that happens, things get stuck in your memory.
I don’t know why my brain is this way. I’d like to believe that somehow it is a disorder, but God made me perfectly. Sometimes, I think it is just the way God wanted my brain to work.
This post also coincides with the beginning of Lent tomorrow. The tradition is to give something up for forty days. I like doing this because it makes me contemplate the sacrifices that God has made for me. I know other people do the same and often struggle with it. I don’t struggle as much when I decide to do something. People think I am strong and have a strong will. It isn’t true. I have OCD. When I make a decision to do something like give something up for lent, it is very difficult for me to go against that decision because of the OCD. It is like a set up a rule in my life and I feel like I really don’t want to break it because I feel like if I do bad things will happen.
I have a perfect example. About 12 years ago, I started my weight loss journey. I found that I loved eating grapes, and they were a good alternative to other snack foods. However, I could eat an entire bag of grapes in one sitting. Eating too many grapes is just as bad as eating a candy bar every night. I decided to limit my grape intake to forty grapes a day because forty is a sacred number in the Bible. Ever since then, I have never eaten more than forty grapes in a day. I always count how many grapes I am eating, and I absolutely refuse to eat more than forty grapes in a day. Rationally, I know I could eat more, but OCD tells me that if I eat more than forty something bad will happen. Therefore, I just won’t eat more than forty. I haven’t eaten more than forty grapes in one day in over ten years even though I eat grapes almost every day.
I don’t know why it is in God’s plan for my brain to work that way. However, I know that there must be a reason. So, when my dog is missing its sweater and I can’t think about anything else, I look for it. When I have the symptoms of OCD, I accept them because it’s me. I am perfectly imperfect because of God’s perfect plan. I trust that with all my mind, body, and spirit. I love myself and accept myself exactly as I am, not because I think I am so amazing, but because I trust God.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
