I am having a bad migraine headache today. I also had a massive panic attack because of it. I feel so strange because the panic attacks haven’t changed. It still feels just as awful as they did before. I still felt my hands shaking so bad that I couldn’t do anything with them. I tried to call my husband and talk to him, but I was so upset that all I could do was cry and stutter. I couldn’t even talk. We decided to talk later because he was at work. I just wailed and wailed. I screamed and just let all the pain and terror come over me.
I can’t lie. It really hurt. It still hurts. I feel like the right side of my head is going to implode. I hoped that if I just cried enough, it would feel better, but it didn’t. So, I went and took a cold shower. I hoped that the cool water would help like it has in the past. It helped a little, but I still found myself crying and hurting. I eventually ended up lying down on the floor of my closet with the lights off until my husband came home.
I feel so strange because the panic attacks haven’t changed, but also because I have changed. When I had panic attacks before, I would feel so scared that I was going to die. Then, I would be scared that I wasn’t going to die, and I would be in so much pain forever. Today, when I had my panic attack even though I cried and screamed and felt terror, I wasn’t afraid that it would last forever, and I wasn’t afraid that I would feel anything that I couldn’t handle.
I’d love to believe that I’m more mature or that I have a better sense of self or even that I have learned how to handle the panic attacks better. However, none of that adequately explains the reason I am different. In the last thirty years, I have learned to completely surrender myself to God and place myself in His hands. I know now that faith means trusting in God even when I feel like I am going to die. It takes time and it will probably always be a struggle, but I am choosing every day to trust in God. Today, in my pain and in my panic, I felt safe. I knew that God held me in His arms, and He wasn’t going to let me fall. And that’s why I write every day that my faith saved me.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
