In a week, my dog has an appointment to get her teeth cleaned. I know that when the vet cleans the teeth, he is going to put her under anesthesia, and I’m scared it is going to kill her. I don’t have any good reason to believe that it will happen. It is probably my OCD brain, but it did make me think about life and death. Some religions and philosophies believe that the way to find peace is to let go of all desire. I think because once you let go, then you won’t feel pain and sorrow from loss or disappointment. If I didn’t feel love for my dog and wanted her to be in my life for as long as possible, then when she dies it wouldn’t hurt. And yes, there’s a peace in that, but I don’t think that’s really living. I wouldn’t get to really experience life. I wouldn’t get to experience love or the joy of having her in my life. I wouldn’t get to experience the sorrow of losing her.
I guess my OCD gives me the gift of seeing all the possibilities, even the difficult ones to face so that I can be thankful for the experience of my life whatever that is. And yes, I realize that one day that will come soon than I want it to come, I am going to die and everything I ever knew, experienced, or had, will become something I lose. I have to say that I don’t mind having desire and loss in my life. I want to experience it all.
I know that I struggle with a lot, but I would much rather struggle with the difficult parts of life than not experience anything at all. Maybe that’s why I got the parents I did. Maybe that’s what I needed to understand during my lifetime. I needed to understand that life is for living and experiencing, not to just be in a box afraid of what could happen or what I could lose.
I pray for God to give me the strength and courage to always take on life and experience everything that comes my way even if I feel anxious and scared.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
