I am having an identity crisis. Tomorrow there’s a writer’s group meeting. I can go or not. I don’t know if I want to go or not. Because of my social anxiety, I had a difficult time going to these meetings in the first place. I got scared every time I went. Yet, I forced myself to go because my promise to God said that I shouldn’t ever let my anxiety keep me from doing something. I tried to get involved. However, the more I got involved, the more I felt used and rejected. Then, my life got complicated and busy, and I stopped going for a few months. Now, I have the opportunity to go again, but if I am honest with myself I really don’t want to go.
Since I got my degree and decided on a writing career, I have tried so hard to do exactly what everyone said to do. I wrote the way everyone said I should write. I did social media even though I hate social media. I got involved in writer’s groups and felt anxious. I haven’t been published and I don’t feel like I am doing the one thing that I say God wants the most from us: to remain true to ourselves and our true nature.
I saw a TV show today. It was a reality show so it wasn’t real life. Yet, one of the people on it was described as being unapologetically herself. I think I would like to be that. I would love to know myself well enough and love myself enough to be unapologetically myself. I think that is what it means to love others as you would yourself. Accepting who I am without apologies or excuses and doing the same for others.
The truth about me is that I don’t fit in with everyone else. My husband talks about going through that as a child and he would adapt his behavior to fit in. The thing about me is that I didn’t care. I didn’t really want to fit in, I just wanted to be myself because it felt fake to act like I was different. I couldn’t do it.
It’s ironic. When we got married, my husband said he couldn’t lie and I said I was a great liar, but in reality, my husband was wonderful at adapting in social situations where I felt like being a social chameleon was a lie and I couldn’t do it.
I guess that’s where I am now. I don’t want to write the way everyone writes. I don’t really care if I have success or not. I don’t care if I fit in. I just want to remain true to myself. I want to write the stories I want to write, not the stories that other people want to read.
So, I guess tonight, my prayer is for God to give me the strength and endurance to keep doing what I’ve been doing, instead of trying to fit in with all these writers. Please help me to find that peace of mind to be unapologetically myself.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
