The last week every night around five o’clock I felt like a dark shadow comes over me and I just feel extremely sad and upset. If I could cry, I would. However, I’ve never been really good at crying. I didn’t even cry at my own mother’s funeral, but that was partly because she told me several times that she didn’t want me to cry at her funeral. I wonder about the darkness that arises in me and why it happens.
I don’t think there’s anyone who gets to escape it. All of us in our lifetimes feel darkness. However, the thing that really bothers me about it is that Christians and other religions always make it seem like once you accept the teachings of that religion, you will be saved, and your life and afterlife will be great. I don’t believe that. I believe that God created everything. In the book of Genesis, it says that He separated the dark from the light. God created these dualities that we experience. He created good and He also created evil. He created happiness, but He also created depression. When we ate from the tree of knowledge, we gained this ability to know right from wrong or at least that’s’ how it is explained, but I think it goes much further than that. This ability we have allows us to go around the world making judgements on people, places, and things. We put value on the experiences, people, and objects in our lives. Most of us believe in ownership, even though we don’t see the innate spirit within all things, even inanimate objects. All these judgements, values, and ownerships are simply human created constructs that don’t mean a thing to God.
If God stood before me right now and I pointed to my dog and told Him that was my dog, He would laugh at my arrogance and lack of respect for His creation. All these judgements, values, and beliefs in ownership that we have are meaningless when we stand before the deity that created everything. I know nothing. I own nothing.
So, when I feel a darkness overtake my thoughts like it is tonight. I don’t fear it anymore like I did when I was a younger woman. I know that it is all part of the experience of life. I know that nothing I experience in life will ever be too much for me to take because God created all the experiences, and He has a plan for me. I don’t fear because God is at my side.
Now just because He is there at my side doesn’t mean everything is great. I am still human. I will struggle with my humanity every day of my life. I will have anxiety every day, but it’s okay. Struggle is part of life. If life was easy, then it wouldn’t be worth the trouble to experience everything God has given. He wouldn’t have given us this amazing ability to place value on things. He wants us to understand and appreciate this gift. I’m not sure why. Maybe someday I’ll understand.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
