I have a situation I am dealing with where I have done something that I don’t agree with. I guess as an adult that happens sometimes. You find yourself in situations where you don’t like the way things are done, but you can’t really control the situation and so you act responsibly, you shut your mouth, and you do what you need to do. It happens with family, it happens with work, and it happens in everyday life.
I would like to believe that my prayers to God give me the ability to be more patient and understanding in those situations and I hope that the more I pray the more I am becoming that person. However, I also realize that I am not there yet, not by a long shot. The current situation has me feeling introspective because today I feel like I know why I react the way I do to these situations.
Whenever I have these situations, I feel myself getting angry and anxious. I think the reason is I’m having a PTSD reaction to the way it was with my mom when I was younger. I felt like I was being brain-washed and when I tried to point out the craziness, I was told that I was the crazy one. For years and years, I told my mom that my dad was an alcoholic and she told me that I was crazy for thinking that and that I was the one with the problem. I actually believed her thinking that somehow, I just wanted to believe my family was the problem instead of believing it was me. I remember feeling like they were all okay, but for some reason I just couldn’t be happy the way they were. I felt like a total failure.
Then, one day, in a therapy session that my mother attended, she admitted to the therapist that my father drank every day and that earlier on in their marriage she considered leaving him, but in the next breath she stated without doubt that my father wasn’t an alcoholic.
In the next session, my therapist had a lot more understanding for me. However, he never tried to help me understand as much as I needed that she was brainwashing me. I didn’t understand for years that she was manipulating me and making it very difficult for me to know what was real.
When I have to deal with situations that I don’t agree with, I get angry and anxious because I start to feel like my sense of reality is threatened. It’s an over-reaction. I know it, but I spent years having someone gaslight me so it’s understandable that I would over-react and be paranoid. I probably will be for the rest of my life. It will be a life-long struggle, but at least I know about it and with God’s guidance I can try to show patience, kindness, and understanding even when I feel angry and anxious. I hope I can with God at my side.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
