Sometimes it is easy to lose yourself too much in the world. I feel like I have done that today. I don’t feel good. I had the flu last week and I feel like it is coming back again this week. I had hoped that I would be able to relax this week and have a slow week at work, but today I had lots of work to catch up with and it seems like this week is going to be very full. Finally, as much as I try to be civil and open to the rest of my family, I find it very difficult to be open to people who don’t want to know me at all.
I watched a TV program today where a fashion designer had to create a custom dress for a client. The client explained that her favorite color was pink. Yet, the designer didn’t listen to her, and the finished product didn’t have any pink in it at all. When the judges confronted the designer about it, she blamed the client. It reminded me about how I feel with my blood relations. They don’t listen at all to who I am; they already have a picture in their mind and that’s all they see. No matter what I do or say, they will never see me as I am because they really don’t care about me. They only want to appear to care about me. When I try to genuinely reach out and make a real connection, I get nothing back because there’s nothing there. And the worse part is that I feel like I am to blame.
So, today I am too much in this world. Too much in pain and discomfort with my body. Too much in old cycles of abuse and dysfunction with my family. I don’t feel like I am the person that God wants me to be. Instead, I feel upset, angry, and tired. I keep wondering if my head is reacting to a pressure change.
There’s not much I can do to change the world. The only thing I can control is myself. I can pray and ask God for guidance. I also know that if I talk to God about what’s going on it will help me feel better. It hurts when my family, my brother and my cousins don’t want to have anything to do with me. I know I haven’t been the most available person, but I have tried. There’s not anything I can do to change how they treat me so I can either accept it or not, but I cannot change it. I guess my problem is that I thought that after my mom died maybe things would be different. I thought maybe I would be able to heal some relationships, but what I didn’t realize is that they all drank the same Kool-Aid, so to speak. No one is ever really going to understand what really happened. They won’t ever understand why there’s an invisible wall between us, but I’ll know why. I’m the one who put it there because I needed my boundaries to be a healthy and happy person. There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries and saying that it isn’t okay to hurt me. I just spend days like this feeling a little sad because I feel the loss of my family just a little more on days like today than other days. I miss them.
One day, I would love for the people I love to really see me, but I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. I’m not even sure if it is something I really want. I think I would just be satisfied with knowing that my God and my husband really see me.
I pray that God help me find some guidance with this one. Please help me to find healing in dealing with the loss of my family. Help me to find peace and understanding for the surviving members of my blood relations that I still deal with. And most of all, help me to open my eyes so that in my own life, I can try to really see the people that I encounter.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
