Today as I washed dishes, I saw some plasticware that I had bought my husband for Christmas last year. As I washed it, I reflected on how much my life had changed in just a year. This year has been an extremely big one for change because two important family members passed away both my brother-in-law and my mother passed away within weeks of each other. My aunt moved in with my husband and me. My rescue beagle passed away as well. My brother and I sold my parents’ house.
Although it feels like most of these life changes don’t affect my day-to-day living, I realized that they actually make a huge difference. The biggest change though is my mother passing away. It’s the strangest thing to me because I didn’t think it would make much of a difference and yet it has made a huge difference.
Just yesterday, my husband and I went shopping and I had to try some jeans on. Usually, I would be afraid to go up and ask to use to fitting rooms. However, instead without even thinking about it, I went straight up and just talked to someone. Even though I had been better about it after I left my mom’s house, I still felt nervous and afraid. I always felt like there was something hovering over me. Once she passed away, I felt free. I find myself doing so many things that I normally wouldn’t do or at least when I would do them, I would be nervous, but now I’m not nervous at all. I have a new confidence in myself and in life that I didn’t have before.
I could be so angry that I couldn’t find it before, but instead I am just feeling grateful for this newfound freedom. I know that my mom just wanted me to be safe, but I don’t think that’s what God wants for us. If He just wanted us to be safe and never experience anything, then He would call the armies of angels down from Heaven and force us to do His will. There would be no evil, but there’d be no freewill. We really wouldn’t have a change to truly love God or to choose to serve Him.
Maybe I experienced the parents I did so that I could understand the paradox of serving God. He gives us freewill. We have the ability to choose our destiny, but if we truly understand His love and His plan for us, then we will surrender to Him and be His servants. It is a great mystery of faith.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
